How To Wreck a Marriage (for Women)

I’ve seen far too many marriages go “down the tubes” due to things that men and women do in the marriage that are just plain stupid. Here are the woman tricks that are assured to wreck a marriage. So…do these things if you want to get divorced soon.

I am completely convinced, after doing marriage and couples Pastoral Counseling for over 30 years, that most marriages break up due to the idiotic things that women do. Even when there is an affair, the affair is usually generated by some idiotic things that the wives are doing.

Now, interestingly, that wasn't my belief when I went into marriage and couples counseling. I, like most trained counselors, thought is probably was the guy's fault most of the time. I, by nature, tend to be much more sympathetic to women than to men. But if you get slapped in the face by facts often enough, you can change your mind eventually.

I am now totally convinced. Marriages and coupled relationships, for the most part, would not break up if women would behave like nice people instead of spoiled little brats who think they're entitled to everything. This isn't true of non-American women, for the most part. This is why the happiest marriages I know are with men who marry non-American women.

So....if you want to have a decent marriage.....get your head outta your ass and stop doing the stuff I list below. If you're doing this stuff, you probably deserve to be dumped and learn that "alone" is no fun. But....it is obviously better to learn before you are in divorce court. So, here goes......these are the things to do if you savor a divorce.

1). Nag, nag, nag. Treat your husband like a child. Have a “honeydo” list every weekend and demand he do every item on it after a long week at work. Generally be a bitch on wheels and incredibly demanding.

2). Bitch, bitch, bitch. Complain constantly. When you sit down to have a conversation with him, complain about stuff at the office, the kids, your in-laws, things he isn’t doing right, the food, your weight, and life in general. Be negative and “heavy” all the time. Don’t let him rest or give him a break.

3). Pepper him with questions all the time. Ask one question after another after another after another. This is a great way to get rid of the old fart. Men just LOVE the Spanish Inquisition!

4). Be a child or, even better, a baby! Be completely dependant on him. Expect him to do everything and to solve all of your problems for you, no matter what they are. Expect him to bail you out whenever you get in trouble. Don’t act like an adult.

5). Dress in sweats and be sloppy. Oh man…men just ADORE women in sweats! They look SO fetching. There are few better ways to drive a man away than to dress in your sweats or your running shorts and a T shirt. Never wear sexy stuff for him around the house, and, of course, never go naked. This is a real "biggie" for men that women JUST DON'T GET!!!! If you value your marriage don't dress in sweats and sloppy clothes....ever!!! The only time you should wear sweats is if you're jogging or going to the gym....NEVER at home. Sexy is best, but at least dress decently. You'll be surprised what happens with his attire.

6). Be a prude. Give him dirty looks if he makes a sexual comment. Act like you don’t have a vagina. Pretend your ears are virgin and have never heard a vulgar remark. Look down on him constantly and be constantly offended by his way of speaking, dressing, or thinking.

7). Exhaust him. Play your little emotional games and be passive-aggressive. When he’s tired, have an emotional fit. Ask him for constant reassurance then go round and round with him when he gives it.

8) Be contrary. If he says the sky is blue say it is green. Always have something to add to everything he says. “Finish” sentences for him by saying “Yes and,” and adding a statement after he makes a point. Men just LOVE pain in the ass, difficult women.

9). Be high maintenance. Go out to a restaurant with him. Look sour when you look at the menu. Order something after 15 minutes of perusing the menu, making him wait hungry. Order everything “on the side” or differently than it is listed on the menu. Ask about how many calories, how much fat, and so on is in the food. Then, when the food comes, find something wrong with it, but just bitch instead of sending it back. When he insists you send it back and get something else, either say “well now I’m not hungry” or be dissatisfied with the new food. Be high maintenance like this in everything you do.

10). Whine. Guys just LOVE whiners.

11). Withhold Sex. If you really want to get rid of the old fart, withhold sex from him, or make him beg for it or do things for it. Never have sex when HE wants it, only when YOU want it. Then, when you’re having sex, lay there like a lump. Remember the difference between you and Jello should be that Jello moves when he eats it. Let your waterbed be named “Lake Placid” or “The Dead Sea.”

12). Ask him to “help” with the housework. Then bitch about how he did it. Guys just LUV being “helpers.”

13). Imply that the kids and the house and so on are “yours” and that he is just a caretaker.

14). Treat him like a walking wallet. Act like his highest and best purpose in life is to give you shoe money and pay the mortgage. Value him for his job and nag him to move up and make more money….that you can spend.

15). Make him feel unloved. Act bored when you’re with him. Roll your eyes at his stories. Go do the laundry in middle of a conversation. Constantly change the subject so that you’re always talking about what you want to and not what he wants to. Don’t respond when he kisses you. Hold back your body and your emotions from him. In other words, do everything possible to show him what a pain in the ass and waste of time he is.

16). Tell him what he can and can’t do. Give him “permission” for things. Act like you’re the queen of the house and queen of the damned…with him the damned.

17). Don’t show him appreciation. Take him for granted. Assume he’ll always be there and that no other woman in her right mind would ever want him.

18). Don’t feed him his favorite food ever. Make him eat chick food all the time. Look at him like a Neanderthal if he eats real guy food like a steak or burger.

19). Talk with your girlfriends all the time. Yak, yak, yak. Spend time on the phone with your girlfriends, mom, work buddies….spend time with everyone but him. Tell him you don’t spend time with him because he’s watching TV all the time. Don’t consider that maybe he’s watching TV all the time because you’re too busy for him. This is a GREAT way to wind up divorced in a real hurry!

20). Make the kids or pets more important that he is. Give your dog or cat more kisses than him. Talk with the kids incessantly, but only rarely with him. Be too tired for him night after night because you’ve been taking care of the curtain climbers. If you don’t have kids or pets, church, temple, a charity cause….anything will work. Be absorbed in other things than him.

21). Don’t meet simple requests he makes. One couple I know broke up because the woman wouldn’t do ANYTHING that the man asked. He wanted her to have breakfast with him once or twice a week. He was willing to have a late breakfast. Her sleeping late was more important. Everything was like this for her. Then she was surprised when he had an affair. Duh!!

22). Let him sleep alone frequently. Don’t go to bed when he does and sure don’t cuddle him! Men just LOVE to sleep alone and lonely. Oh, and complain and bitch about his snoring, his scent, or the fact that he reaches for you in the night with an erection.

23). Make your career more important than he is. Work late all the time and be constantly gone. Even better, take a job that has a different “shift” than he works so you never are sleeping together. This combines this one with the last one.

24). Act shocked, scandalized and upset by natural male behavior, like watching pornography. Act like an occasional porn movie makes him a disgusting creature that is beneath your sexual favors.

25). Don’t ask his advice or ask for it, but don’t take it. Guys want to never feel like you need them, don’t they?

26). Ridicule his body, brain, habits, weight, baldness, penis, etc. If you really want to get rid of a guy, make fun of him.

27). Reject him constantly. Pull away when he tries to kiss your hand. Don’t pay attention when he is talking to you. Take him totally for granted. These work great to rid of those pesky husband creatures.

28). Deny him the sight and feel of your body. Remember, it’s your body and yours alone. What do you need HIM looking at it or touching it for?

29). Complain about him to you family or girlfriends. Make sure he overhears your phone conversations telling them what a fool or a buffoon he is.

And finally,

30). Take a vacation with the “girls” instead of with him. After all, he just LOVES to be apart from you all the time.

These are things I have ACTUALLY seen women do to men….all the time. I can assure you that, if you do these things, you are headed for divorce court or a rude awakening. If you’re doing ANY of these things…CUT IT OUT and start turning things around NOW. You MIGHT still have a bit of a chance to make things OK.

But, if you want to assure divorce, keep doing these things. The papers will come soon. Then you can be one more idiotic woman who only understands reality after she is sitting alone in a single’s bar again nursing a margarita while he is off with a younger, prettier and much less bitchy woman who actually has a brain. Women over 35 have a much more difficult time landing a decent guy then the ex-husbands of women over 35 have in landing a really nice, caring woman. He’ll be remarried, with kids and a house and happiness while you’re sitting alone on the holidays. And good for him! If you are doing these things, you deserve all the loneliness and isolation that your Karma is bringing you.

Guys....please pass this on to every guy and every woman you know. You'll be doing them a favor. Women...if you value your marriage and those of your friends, stop behaving this way, and pass this blog on to every woman you know whether she is married or single. If women actually listen to some of this, you'll dramatically cut down on divorces in America because this is one of the few times you're going to hear the unvarnished truth about how women tend to be in relationship. You can be pissed and not learn anything and have these very things come back to bite you, or you can try something different and listen to someone for a change, and change what is negative and nasty in you. The choice is yours.

Get your head out of your ass and love one another!

J.

Abusive Marriages

Today we must look at the dark side of marriage and significant other — abusive relationships. I was in a verbally abusive relationship which, as most of these relationships do, turned into a physically abusive relationship. I am posting this the Sacred Spiritual Marriage, Sacred Spiritual Singles and Sacred Spiritual Relationships sites, as well as the Spiritual Mastery site, as I have had several women in abusive relationships come through my life recently, and believe this is a very important topic…and not everyone reads all of the blogs.

There are some signs that you are in an abusive relationship, other than bruises and contusions or broken bones…or death. Here are the signs that your relationship is abusive.

1). Fear. While we all want to please our spouse, the main sign of an abusive relationship (unless, of course, we have our own major issues causing this problem) is that you’re always afraid.

Fear is going to be our sometime companion in any relationship because of our imperfect nature. But in an abusive relationship fear is right beside us most of the time. We’re always afraid that what we do will get the abuser angry, trigger conflict, trigger a power struggle, etc. We conform our behaviors to what the abuser wants in every case, rather than what is best for us, the children, or our work.

2). Choosing the abuser all the time over everything else. Someone in an abusive relationship will be rude to friends and family, slack on work, and do highly inappropriate things at the instigation of the abuser. For example, the typical abuser will call several times in a day to assure that the one being abused “still loves him” or is doing what she has instructed him to do, etc. The abused person will blow off important meetings, restrict social and recreational activities, and so on to do what the abuser wants, or have “an important conversation” with the abuser.

While it is normal to place our relationship with a significant other first in our lives, it is also normal to put the needs of that relationship “on hold” for a while in order to handle other important things. If you have missed an important work meeting or blown off an appointment with a friend because your significant other just absolutely needed to speak with you yet again, and just then…well, you might well be in an abusive relationship.

3). Isolation. I want Nicole to have great friends around who are supportive and fun. I’m constantly encouraging her to have lunch or dinner with a friend (we tend not to do breakfast…such a disgusting meal…). The abuser wants to isolate the abused person from all other social contacts other than those he or she provides. The abuser will say things like “Family has to come first,” and “If you loved me you’d want to be with me,” and so on. This will be combined with pathological suspicion of the friends that the abused person spends time with.

4). Short Leash. The abused person is kept on a short leash. The abuser needs to know where the abused person is precisely at all times. It is normal to get concerned about one’s spouse if he or she is not answering a cell phone or isn’t home when expected. It is not normal to call 2 minutes after a meeting is supposed to be over and say “where are you and what are you doing?”.

5). Jealousy and Suspicion. This alone is not the sign of an abusive relationship, but with the other signs can be a good indication. Trust is the basis of a loving relationship. Unless that has been really broken or betrayed, it should be there.

6). Negative Comments. The abuser will constantly be putting down the abused person. There will be very little complimentary, and a great deal of negativity. Also, this negativity doesn’t necessarily have to be about the abused person. It can just be general, persistent negativity about everything, which includes the abused person. Everyone goes through times when they are unhappy with the appearance, demeanor or behavior of one’s significant other. If this is pretty consistent, there is a problem.

7). Needing a Script. If you need a script to speak with your significant other, or you are wrong, you are in an abusive relationship.

8). Blaming. If you are always to blame, no matter what, and he or she is never to blame, never does anything wrong, etc., then you are in an abusive relationship. While most troubled marriages have one person who is more the problem than the other, no one is entirely to blame for relationships problems. And, if there is cheating, it is almost always for some reasons, so even that is not 100% the cheater’s “fault” on a usual basis.

9). Yelling. I’m a ranter and a raver. When I’m frustrated I rant and rave. But I don’t yell at Nicole. Some people vent by ranting and raving, others keep it inside. Either way is OK, but yelling at one’s spouse all the time is not “venting.” It is verbal abuse.

A note on this one. Many people raise their voices when arguing or heated. This is not, in and of itself, abuse. I’m speaking of a persistent raised voice volume.

10). Violence. Violence of any kind is abuse, period. If s/he throws things when angry, punches things, destroys things, or similar behaviors, this is abuse. If you are shoved, pushed, grabbed tightly, forcibly turned, pushed and held down, or struck in any way, this is also abuse. And the latter things are also illegal.

Abuse usually gets worse over the years. Without a great deal of help, the abuser will not change, and it is dicey even then. It is dangerous for you and your children to remain around such a person. They are a danger to you and the children and others. Trust me on this…I’ve been there. Anyway….here are a few things that you should do if the above sounds like your relationships (and, above, I haven’t been exhaustive in signs of an abusive relationship…this is a blog post, not a book…):

1). Get out. The best thing you can do in an abusive relationship is to immediately, completely and totally get out. Don’t pass “go.” Do not collect $200.00. Take yourself and the children and leave! Staying and hoping things will get better is the most stupid thing you can do. They won’t.

Oh, abusers have your number. When they sense that their punching bag is leaving they will take you out to dinner, give you loving touches, give you sex, buy you expensive gifts, and so on. I’m constantly amazed at how easy it is (and cheap, too) for abusers to keep their punching bags around. And make no mistake…that’s all you are. You are a punching bag, either physically, verbally or both, until you get out. Don’t question it, don’t wonder, don’t delay. Get out!

2). Trust your support group. Trust your support group. They have your interests at heart and you don’t have your own interests at heart. If you’ve found a loving group of people who truly want what is best for you, listen to them. You are not able to make good decisions about this. They are.

3). Don’t isolate your support group. Many abused people really torque off their support group by saying hurtful things to them, eventually having them shake their heads and walk away. I’ve walked away more than once when I’ve been accused of trying to break up a family, trying to get an abused woman for myself, and so on. It is amazing the lengths to which abused people, especially abused women, will go to convince themselves to stay in an abusive relationship. Treat your support group with love and care or they will go away, and you’ll be isolated again.

4). Get a support group. If you’ve been isolated, break free of this and obtain a group of loving people who are not hateful toward the gender of your significant other. Then nurture and listen to them.

5). Protect your children. If you’re too beaten down to protect you, protect the children. Even if it is “just” verbal abuse, you are harming your children by leaving them in that environment. Take them and get out, and let the courts sort out visitation and so on. But, if you don’t have the guts to stand up for you, at least be a good parent and stand up for your kids.

6). Listen to professional counselors, spiritual leaders, and so on. Unless you’re in certain kinds of Islam or right wingnut Christianity, your spiritual leaders are good people to listen to. Ditto counselors you have retained. Beware fundamentalist Christian counselors or clergy, however, as they may well counsel staying no matter what. This can be deadly both spiritually and, often, on the physical plane.

7). If a friend offers a safe haven, take it.

8). Don’t make friends and family suffer for your relationship. If you are interacting with others, following simple etiquette and rules of common courtesy will go a long way toward breaking the abuse cycle.

9). Refuse to interact with the abuser or get “drawn in.” Living with your abuser if you have any other choice…including a shelter…is beyond self-destructive. It is an incredibly foolish choice. If you must interact with this person, never do it alone. Do it in the presence of professional counselors or spiritual leaders or your friends. There is safety and strength in numbers, and being with others will keep the interactions civil. Don’t mistake these interactions in front of others for change on the abuser’s part, however. It is my experience that abusers very, very rarely change much. And you aren't the exception, trust me.

10). Get professional or spiritual help. I’m not a “psych” fan. But a professional marriage counselor, psychotherapist or counselor is sometimes better than nothing. If you have a spiritual bent, find a spiritual leader who has his or her feet on the ground, believes in you and can advise you.

11). Have an affair. WHAT?!?!? Did I just say that? Yep, I did. If you are unable to leave an abusive relationship any other way, having an affair is often the lesser of two evils. While I don’t recommend affairs often, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you’ve been told how stupid, fat, lazy, incompetent, ugly, etc. that you are. Having and affair will dispel that in your mind. The person you’re having an affair with will, for a time, see you as gorgeous, perfect, wonderful in every way, etc. It is hard to stay with someone who sees you as a stupid, lazy cow when you’re simultaneously being told that you are a sleek, sexy fox.

But be aware — this affair isn’t your salvation. It is a stopgap measure if you can’t leave an abusive relationship in any other way. I know I’ll get howls from the Christian crowd on this as well as from feminists, but I can tell you that, in my 30 years of counseling people, the most successful way that people leave abusive relationships is to have, at the very least, an emotional affair, if not a physical one.

Many people can’t leave a relationship until they have another one. If this is you, recognize that an affair is a short term stopgap, and that it might be unhealthy, but it is the lesser of two evils, and may well protect your kids.

There are many other things I could say, but posts are limited in length.

Love, peace, joy and prosperity to each of you.

J.

How to Please Your Wife Part Deux

Here are a few more ways in which you may please your wife.

1). Cuddle her. One of the complaints I hear most from women is that their husbands only want physical affection to be associated with sex. Guys, I’m going to give you a tip that will get you almost all the sex you want…and maybe then some. Be a consummate cuddler. Spend time holding your wife every night. Gently stoke her back and her hair. And don’t expect sex every time. But I can almost guarantee that you’ll see the sexual activity go up dramatically.

2). Be honest and tactful. Contrary to what you might think, your wife, when she takes you shopping, really does want your opinion about the things she wants to buy. The only things I refuse to give many opinions on are shoes, because I tend to think that some torturer with very bad taste has designed women’s shoes. So I opt out there.

But my wife likes to take me shopping with her. Many other women in my life have loved to have me go shopping with them. Honestly, this is not my favorite activity. When I “shop” for clothes, even though I’m a clothes horse, I can get in and out in about 15 minutes, with three or four big bags of clothes, all of which I bought on clearance or a great sale for about $300. She goes in and spends four hours, comes out with two blouses, a skirt, and, invariably, a pair of shoes and has spent $300. Go figure.

This is how I help Nicole shop. We go through a department like locusts and reject most things, but we both pick out 10 or 15 items. While she’s in the dressing room, I go through the rest of the department and pick things out and either take them back to her, or have the attendant take them back. She rejects the stuff that looks ugly on her, but models the possibles. Now, here we come to the important part, guys! If she says “Does this make my butt look fat?” the immediate answer is “No. Your butt is not fat, love.” Now, in my wife’s case this is very true. But even if she has junk in her trunk, this is what you must say.

So how can you give her your opinion that this makes her look like Quasimodo on a bad day? Simple. Here are some phrases that will actually help her make up her mind about an outfit. “I don’t think that flatters you as well as the green one does.” “That one doesn’t work with your classic body shape (or whatever). That is more for a celery shape.” “Not with your beautiful breasts, darling!” “That doesn’t show off your legs like it should.” Statements like these blame the right culprit — the idiots who design women’s clothing. I wonder if most women’s clothing designers even like women, because they sure don’t make their junk for real women! But you can find a few things, and give her honest feedback on it. Just let her know again and again that you love her body and get turned on by her…you just think that the blouse she’s wearing doesn’t show off her beautiful body very well. Trust me, she really wants to please you in her dressing. Give her your opinion to help her…then compliment her on her beauty and her taste.

3). Dress nicely for her. I do not own a baseball cap. If I did, I would never wear it backwards. Whatever idiot started this trend, they deserve a special place in Hades. I rarely wear sweats other than for doing massage or working out. When we go out, I wear a sports jacket or other nice clothing. I have several suits and custom made shirts. I have her select my ties. I shower at least once a day, and usually twice. I shave almost every day, and get a haircut at least monthly. I wear a special cologne she likes when I’m not seeing clients. In other words, I act for my wife the way I acted when I was single and trying to win her…which was a pretty long process. Why, in heaven’s name, should a beautiful woman get turned on by a guy who stinks, runs around in sweats with holes in them and smelly tennis shoes, loudly farts in front of her all the time, and has a three day beard growth? Really, I don’t blame women for not wanting that. If I were a woman, I wouldn’t put up with it.

4). Mind your manners. Women could do lots of stuff to stop domestic abuse, heartbreak and even acquaintance rape by demanding that they be treated with the utmost of respect. If I were a woman I would stand by the car door, or sit in the car until the lug opened it (not everyday running around, but in going out). I would never put up with being called nasty names, or denigrated. And the first time a guy hit me or did anything violent would be the very last.

Guys, treat your wives with intense respect and chivalry. Open doors for her. Rise when she leaves the restaurant table for the bathroom and rise again when she returns. (Do this for all women.) Don’t interrupt her. When my wife is saying something and someone tries to talk over her, I defend her. I say, “What were you saying, sweetheart? I was interested.” Defend her. Don’t let your friends or family make any disparaging comments or observations about her. Help her on with her coat. (As I have a problem with getting on my coat due to a sports injury and subsequent surgery, we are pretty funny. She helps me on with mine, then I help her on with hers…) Don’t swear in front of her, especially not in public. Don’t tell off-color jokes in front of her in public (save it for private times…she probably enjoys an off-color joke, too). Don’t sexualize her in public. Give her appropriate public displays of affection, such as an arm around her, a nice, non-sexual kiss (no tongue!), or holding hands. Every once in a while, pull her hand to your lips and lightly brush her fingers with your lips. Trust me on these things. The return on this very small investment of time and attention will surprise and delight you.

5). Always speak positively about your wife, in all circumstances. This isn’t something that she’ll always see, but she will always feel it. Husbands and wives can tell funny stories about each other and, so long as they are obviously in love and the stories are not meant to humiliate or disparage, that is fine. But speak to everyone in a positive manner about your wife. I will usually write, in writing about my wife, “my beloved Nicole.” Never refer to her as “my old lady” or other similar disgusting terms. Don’t complain about her to your friends. It is a betrayal to complain about her to another woman. Don’t complain about her to your family, either. If you two have problems, speak to someone who is qualified to deal with. A marriage counselor, a spiritual teacher, an older couple who loves you both and has agreed to listen and help out…someone who has the good of the marriage at heart. But don’t gripe to others about your wife. She’s your wife, man! If she can’t trust you to speak well of her, how could I trust you to speak well of me? If you aren’t going to keep your word to her, why should I think that, as a friend, a business associate, a customer or a vendor that you are going to keep your word to me? I am very happy to listen to men and women who want to talk to me to solve problems within their marriages. I won’t spend any time, however, with a man or woman who “disses” his or her spouse. And neither should you. If they are dishonest with the most important person in their lives, they will be dishonest with you, too.

6). Include her in decisions. She’s your wife. She should be included in all decisions that involve more than a few dollars of money, anything in life that affects you or her in anything but the most minor of ways, how your time is spent, and any other issues that come into your life. Too many marriages wind up as “married singles” with each person going separate directions and making all of his or her own decisions. This is a good road to divorce. Marriage is a joining of body, mind and spirit. It should also be a joining of decisions, finances, ideas, beliefs, spirituality, and everything else.

7). Tell her you love her and tell her again. Some men seem to think that saying “I love you” once is enough for the rest of the marriage. Once, yes. At least once a day, with once an hour being better. Your wife needs to hear that you love her. Let her know again and again that you are completely in love with her, more than the day you got married. Tell her that neither age nor the ravages of time does anything but make her more beautiful. And mean it.

Sonnet 116 from Shakespeare says it better than I could:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Love one another,

J.

How to Please Your Wife

I kinda thought Nicole should write this one, but she kindly said that I am an expert at it….so, whether that is true or just my loving wife….here goes.

There s far too much selfishness in men these days for my liking. I speak with lots of single women, married women, and my daughter. Guys…most of you aren’t doing a very good job of being men. A real man loves and serves his wife (and kids), putting her happiness and that of his kids far above his own selfish desires. Unfortunately, I see very little of this out there. Chivalry is, if not dead, at least in intensive care.

Since you women are so much more complex than we men are, this probably has to be broken into two posts. But, let’s get started.

1). Make her know she’s beautiful. Almost the most important thing you can do to please your wife is to let her know that she is completely beautiful. The most important time to do this is when she’s been ill, hasn’t showered in three days, has snot dripping out her nose, and is on her period.

2). Love her body…all the time. Never make your wife feel that she is gross, unattractive, overweight, getting older, or anything of the sort. Appreciate her body and let her know that you completely appreciate her body. Ask to see her naked more often, and praise her body…in detail.

3). Don’t look at other women, especially when with her. Don’t be checking out other women when you’re with her. Keep your eyes on her, your mind on what she is saying, and your heart pure…especially when she is with you. Let her know that you’re the only woman you want to look at. Do this even if it is hard….ummm…difficult. (Sorry…)

4). Give her little gifts…or big ones…just give her gifts. Women love to get gifts. They don’t have to cost anything. Pick some wildflowers from your (own) backyard, or write a poem, or something. I can’t emphasize enough how much women like to get gifts, whether they cost anything or not.

5). Touch her constantly. I keep my hand on some part of Nicole’s body almost all night every night. While we work together I can’t touch her, but I often touch her other times. There are a couple of things that Nicole really likes that I think most women also really like. As we’re driving I will kiss Nicole’s fingers and hands lightly (I’m not talking about slurping, here, guys…light, lips barely touching, kisses), and rub her feet whenever possible. Don’t underestimate the importance of touch…and frequent, constant touch.

6). Massage her. Buy a massage table at Costco for $200. They have them there frequently. Buy a book on sensual massage (not “erotic massage..”). Read it. Practice what they tell you. Giving your wife a weekly massage or every-other weekly massage is very bonding. It helps you to know her body well. And you should know every inch of her body very well, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes and everything in between. Ask her for constant feedback the first time or two, then, unless she wants to talk, shut up and let her relax for subsequent massages. Buy good lotion (not oil) from Banner Massage Therapy by the gallon and get a small squeeze bottle, like cheap restaurants use for ketchup, to put the lotion in. Buy two or three sets of twin bed sheets, a pillow and a leg bolster. Heat the lotion until just above body temperature (carefully…no more than 20 – 20 seconds) in the microwave (test it on your inner wrist, like a baby bottle). Reheat when necessary, or keep a pan of very hot water to warm it in. Start on her back, work down her body, then turn her over, work on her head, and then the front of her body. Unless she asks for it, don’t concentrate on the genitals. Learn, however, how to do a very good job on the chest area…and not just the sensitive part. Take a full hour or more. Put on very relaxing music. Firm pressure on the feet! More on technique if you write and ask me.

7). Cook for her. I’m convinced that my beautiful wife married me because of my cooking, ‘cause it sure wasn’t for my looks! Learn to cook well. Men, generally, make better cooks than women, in my opinion, anyway. Make it “just for her.” Spice things exactly the way she likes it. Nicole would far prefer me cooking for her than to go to a restaurant.

8). Turn off the damned idiot box and talk. Talk to her. More importantly, listen to her. I will give you a tip that will have her thinking you’re the most intelligent and best looking guy in all of creation. Spend an evening asking her questions and don’t talk about yourself at all. Listen with genuine interest. The idiot box will always be there. She might not be. Don’t forget it.

9). Don’t travel. Women need their men by their sides. If you have a travelling job, quit and take one that keeps you home most of the time. If it pays less, spend less on stuff and more time on your family.

10). Love your kids. Spend time with your kids. One of the best forms of foreplay, guys, is to spend an afternoon truly playing with the kids, or doing something with them.

11). Clean the bathroom. Another really good form of foreplay is to scrub the bathrooms and vacuum and dust the house…often…like at least monthly. Offer to “pitch in” when she is cleaning rather than watching yet one more football game. Which is more important…the bladder of a dead pig being chased on Astroturf, or the woman you vowed to love and cherish forever? Trust me…she is.

12). Do romantic things. Flowers are nice, but not all that romantic if overdone. I bring flowers four or five times a year…and not when she’s mad at me. (Usually, I buy her flowers when I’m mad at her to remind me how much I cherish her…) There are many more romantic things to most women, and that varies from woman to woman. Find out hers and do them.

13). Make the whole day foreplay. Guys often ask us how long foreplay should take, and their jaws drop when we tell them it should take several hours. Look, rote foreplay excites very few women. But if I’m constantly touching Nicole, making romantic remarks, kissing her hands, rubbing her feet, giving her attention, massaging her, touching her body over and over, kissing her when I go by, teasing her, tickling a little bit, and so on…that’s foreplay, guys. It isn’t about laying there rubbing her chest (although that might also be nice) or anything like that. It is about having all day every day being “sexy.” Trust me on this one…women will respond very rapidly to your sexual advances if you’ve spent the whole day letting her know how sexy and desirable she is, teasing her, and playing with her. This is what turns women on, not timing how long you touch her chest.

I have some explicit and intimate tips, but do not want to put them in a public blog. If you’re interested, please write me (jheckers@spiritualmasterysecrets.org) and I’ll respond with an email back to you with some intimate tips that are inappropriate for this venue, but which are still good things to do.

OK, space is up for today. There are other things that I can tell hubbies to do that will please and make your wife happy. The most important one I can give you is simple. Really, truly desire to make her happy in every way because she is more important to you than life itself. If she knows that you have this desire, you will have a wonderful marriage.

Love one another,

J.

How To Please Your Husband

Just FYI, I have asked Nicole to write articles from the female/wife point of view, but she has been very busy. I’m a bit more prolific and rapid (and some would say more careless) or a writer than my wife. But she will have plenty to say over the years.

There is going to be a companion piece on “How to Please Your Wife.” One of our single female friends has asked me not to write that down (and, especially, not to write a book on it) since she believes guys will just use it to get women in bed. She might be right….

Women — for those of you who care about pleasing your husband, and want to know what he really wants…here you go.

1). Listen to him…and make it safe. It is really dangerous for men to talk to their wives. It is kinda like talking to the cops. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Often, if men try to do what their wives ask and speak honestly about their feelings they are in really deep trouble.

This has to end on the part of women. The judgment about men’s feelings and emotions has become rampant. Listen to him without judging. If he says he has a crush on Sandra Bullock, it doesn’t mean he prefers her to you. It simply means that — he has a crush on Sandra Bullock (I hate Angelina Jolie, but Sandra Bullock or Drew Barrymore now.....). If he says he feels overwhelmed sometimes, it doesn’t need to lead to a big discussion about whether or not he still loves you.

Empathize with him, and don’t judge him. Guys would talk to their wives a lot more if it didn’t constantly wind up in a big old hairy emotional discussion all the time.

2). Stop being so emotional about everything. Referring to the above…NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, woman! If he says he’s tired, it doesn’t mean he’s tired of you. Women tend to make everything a man says about them…they are the ultimate narcissists. Usually, in fact, it isn’t about you, but about something else entirely. Keep your emotions in check, don’t let your emotional fantasies run wild, and don’t dwell on things.

3). Don’t talk everything to death. Many women keep on talking too much. Many want to analyze every male statement from every angle under the sun. Let it go! Talk about any one subject for five minutes or less. This is the male attention span unless we’re speaking of sports, beer, good guy food, or naked women, where our attention span is endless. Look, your attention span is very short when it comes to technology, sports, beer, good guy food or naked women, but endless when it comes to interminable emotional discussions, decorating the house, buying new furniture, purses, shoes, clothes, new restaurants, and so on. Guys have their things and you have yours. Try to find some common stuff to talk about…but think “short subjects,” not endless discussions and analyses.

4). Give him sex at least every other day…or a loving compromise. Guys operate physically on a 48 hour cycle at most, some on less. A woman who is joyfully participating in sexual behavior at least every other day rarely has to worry about cheating. Most cheating occurs because wives withhold sex or affection.

5). Do the sexual things he likes. Don’t get so high and mighty that there are sexual things you “won’t” do. Figure out what he likes (asking a guy usually elicits an honest answer, unlike asking women, who like to “hint”) and do it…often. Think up new things to do, too. Sexual boredom is the chief cause of adultery. If you’re too tired from housework, hire a maid, make your precious children actually do some chores, or say to him, “You’ll get a big surprise in bed in two hours if you’ll help me get this done.” And, by the way, the reason guys stop having sex is that you've bored him into a lack of libido. Liven things up and watch the horny old bull come out again.

6). Wear what he gives you. One way to keep a guy from buying you stuff is not to wear it. This is incredibly stupid on women’s parts. Unless it makes you look like a cheap hooker, wear what he gives you whenever appropriate. You can train him pretty easily. Go on the internet. Pick out some stuff you like that is sexy and hot (I’m not talking about lingere. Most of us prefer our wives naked to our wives in lingere. I’m talking about real clothes, robes, shoes, etc.) Contrary to propaganda, guys do have an interest in women’s clothing…if you’re wearing it and it makes you look hot. Show him some things you’d look hot in, and make sure he has your sizes and where to get it. Act surprised when it shows up. Again, contrary to popular belief, we really do want to please you. We want you to act pleased, however.

7). Quitcher Bitching! Stop complaining! Guys don’t like women who bitch all the time. Look for the positive stuff and comment on that. Especially look for the positive stuff in him and don’t bitch about him. If you really want him to get better at things, find him doing something right and praise him for it….preferably naked. This goes for sex, too. Don't tell a guy what he doesn't do. Moan loudly when he does something you really like. It will happen again and again. If he isn’t doing it, don’t criticize him. Come to him unclad or scantily clad and say “Honey, I was having a fantasy about you during my nap today. I was getting really, really horny for you when I fantasized you (fill in the blank).” You’ll get it within minutes or hours at the latest unless he’s on his way to a tour in Iraq…in which case he’ll fantasize about doing it to you every night in his bunk or whatever the poor guy gets.

And stop bitching about your life, your kids, the house, his job, your job, and everything else. Your bitching and discontent make him feel like a failure, whether you directly blame him or not. Stop your discontent. It is both narcissistic and unnecessary, as well as putting a very large barrier in your marriage.

8). Don’t do things over. If he loads the dishwasher, run it the way he loaded it unless doing so will break an heirloom dish. And what the hell is an heirloom dish doing in the dishwasher anyway? If he makes the bed, thank him. Women really piss guys off when the guys try to be good guys and pitch in, but it isn’t good enough for women’s little perfectionistic natures. Again, this is narcissism and incredibly damaging to a relationship. His good enough has gotta be your good enough. If it isn’t, stop your bitching about him not “helping” (a word you should immediately kill) with the housework. A good husband rule is — ,my way is good enough or it’s all yours. If you want control, then do it yourself, but don’t correct your husband.

9). Be grateful. Do you know the most frequent complaint I hear from guys about their wives? It isn’t that they don’t have the right anatomy, or even that they don’t get sex enough. It is that she is always complaining and never grateful…nothing he does is good enough for her. You want a good marriage? Shut up with your discontent and open up the appreciation (this is good advice for both genders, although women have this problem more than men). Rather than complaining about him working so much, be thankful that he is the kind of man who believes in giving his wife and kids a good life. Rather than complaining about him spending time with friends or hobbies, be thankful that he is healthy enough to play a bit. Rather than complaining about his sports, be thankful that he is there in the house watching your TV instead of watching a girlfriend. Rather than complaining about him wrestling with the kids and messing up the house, be thankful that he is a father who cares enough TO wrestle the kids and mess up the house (mine didn’t)

Everything you bitch about is a cause to be thankful. Stop bitching and start being thankful and grateful and appreciative. show him your appreciation and stop being so self-centered and narcissistic that you just think about yourself.

10). Make him want to be with you. Do you know why your husband doesn’t spend more time with you? It isn’t fun and relaxing. Your expectations of what to do and what he should do and your discontent if things don’t go your way make you a real drag to be with sometimes. Find out what he likes to do and do it. Be happy and show him you’re happy when you’re with him. Laugh a lot. Have fun. You always want things to be like when you were dating, don’t you? Well, you’re a different person than when you two were dating. You were lots of fun then, and you weren’t calling home every five minutes to check on the kids, worrying about the bills, or criticizing his driving. Be the woman he dated and he might just surprise you by being the man you dated and more. Be fun, not a drag! Don’t whine! Don’t bitch!

11). Stop being so damned “high maintenance,” Guys like “simple.” Do simple. Don’t take forever to make up your mind in a restaurant. Don’t complain about the food unless it’s really bad, then ask him quietly to get the wait staff or manager, send it back, and get something else. Don’t beat it to death…let it go. Don’t have thirteen alterations on your order at a restaurant. Don’t require a certain wine, a certain sparkling water, or a certain whatever to make you happy. Learn to find joy from the simple things. Don’t be expensive in most things. Joyfully take what he gives you, with great gratitude, so far as presents, clothes, jewelry, etc. Don’t exchange it or criticize it, or wish for something different. Do you know how many women in the world would love to have 1/100th of what you have?

12). Tell him you love him and other mushy stuff. Tell him how great he is. Tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works for you and the kids. Tell him how good looking he is (especially if he isn’t). Tell him what a good man he is, a good father he is, a good husband he is. Even if he isn’t wonderful, telling him that will make him want to be a much better man.

And, most importantly, think this stuff about him. How we think about people is how they tend to present to us. If you keep thinking about what a good man he is and tell him about it…he’ll show up as a good man. If you keep thinking what a schmuck he is and tell him what a loser he is…sure enough, he’s a loser.

Only open your mouth to say good things about your spouse, your life, your situation, and so on. The biggest secret in the world is that, how we see our world, it tends to become. How we see our loved ones is how they tend to respond to us.

Be fun to be with, easy to get along with, low maintenance, reasonable in your desires, sexually available, loving, positive, and generous with praise. You’ll be surprised how great it will make you feel, and how attentive and loving your husband will become.

You’d also be surprised how many other women want your husband. Unless you want to find out the hard way how attractive he is to other women (and, do the negative behaviors I’ve told you not to in this article and I assure you, you will find this out!), follow what I’m telling you here. Don’t him for granted….he isn’t.

Love one another,

J.

Marriage is About Trust

I’ve heard so many stories from the executives that my wife and I serve about their wives who are completely non-supportive when these guys lose their jobs. While there are several great wives whom we have gotten to know, in the executive ranks the “bitchy” ones seem to be much more prevalent.

It is clear that many of these wives married their husband’s wallet, and not them. Rather than standing by their husbands while they are going through a traumatic event — job loss — these women harangue them for losing their jobs when it is rarely their fault. Frankly, these women disgust us!

I’ve had it up to here with hearing how selfish men and are unselfish women are. I’ve seen far less supportive women than supportive men in the business we’re in. These women need to grow up and understand that there aren’t any guarantees when one gets married. You’re not guaranteed good health in either party. You’re not guaranteed an income. You’re not guaranteed good fortune. This is what marriage vows are all about. You know…that “for better or worse” kind of stuff? Many of these wives seem to have forgotten this part of the wedding ceremony.

Marriage is about trust. Nicole and I trust one another that we’re not going to enter into fooling around relationships (and we haven’t). We trust one another enough that we have durable powers of attorney on one another (meaning that she could sign my life away and visa versa). We trust that we are going to be honest with one another and keep faith with one another. I know that I could never betray her. The thought of her face if I did so is unbearable to me. And I know she feels the same.

But many couples don’t have this trust. Their marriage is in deep trouble.

I will not do business with someone who is committing adultery. If the man’s (or woman’s) own family can’t trust them to be honest, how can I trust them to be honest to me. They haven’t made any vows with me, after all, and they’re betraying someone to whom they’ve made vows!

Trust is the very basis of marriage. The Orthodox Church, of which Nicole and I are members, has a very strong policy against pre-nuptial agreements. A pre-nuptial agreement is an agreement to divorce. I really don’t see how anyone can trust one another when there is a document sitting there that says that someday we’re going to get divorced.

We are both horrified by the stories we hear of the lack of trust on the part of spouses. If you can’t trust the person you’re sleeping with, who can you trust?

Your spouse is to be your best friend, your confidant, your life love, and your trusted mate. If you are having trust issues with your spouse, get immediate couple’s counseling! If your marriage is based on everyone protecting themselves from the person to whom they are to be the most intimate, it is a sham marriage at best. It is a sham marriage that is in deep, deep trouble.

Love one another,

John and Nicole

What is Marriage For?

Well, yes, that certainly is one reason. But as fun as what your perverted little minds thought is, there is actually another purpose for marriage. Marriage is a institution of higher learning in being a human being.

The Roman Church and various other narrow religious organizations theoretically have a celibate ministry. I suppose so far as the Roman Church goes their priesthood doesn’t think that their vows of celibacy apply to altar boys. Celibacy is a perversion, and was not common in the early Christian Church. It is a perversion because God intends us to be married or in a gay or lesbian marriage. This is because marriage is essential to our learning to be human.

This is why so many marriages are failing. People think that marriage is for them to feel good. It isn’t. It is to make them human, loving, compassionate, faithful and selfless.

In fact, marriage is supposed to push our buttons. A man or woman who doesn’t push some buttons probably isn’t our Soulmate. We can’t learn from someone who is a clone of ourselves, but with different genital equipment.

Marriage is a way for people to learn to live with someone they can’t get rid of, no matter how much they want to. Now, I know that this isn’t the way marriage is today. It is the way of my marriage to Nicole, however. And I can share why it is so important. (In a couple of days there will be a companion piece to this on Sacred Spiritual Relationships about friends we can’t get rid of, too.)

In the past I’ve lived with girlfriends. If things got too rough on either of us, we split up. Now, Nicole and I have very intertwined lives. Even if we weren’t still completely in love (which we are) splitting up would completely screw up our lives, our livelihood, all of our relationships, our life work, and our CD collection. for heaven’s sake! I don’t have a clue how we’d even begin to separate who owns what. Fortunately, we will never need to.

This is because we decided long ago to make our lives so entwined that neither of us would ever think of leaving. We have joint bank accounts, joint credit, joint investments, and so on. We’ve mixed our books, our CDs, our furniture and bought most of what we have together. We own our business together. So we can’t get rid of each other, even if we wanted to (which we don’t).

So when we have a problem we solve it. This is not always pretty. But divorce isn’t an option that we can take when we are really angry at one another like so many other people do. This has taught both of us that every problem is solvable if people really want to solve it. And this is the purpose of marriage.

What if we were to outlaw war (I know, if war were outlawed only outlaws would have war or something…I’m sure the right wingnut war-lovers would come up with something like that…) What if we had to get along together because we’re stuck on this earth together? What if we couldn’t, as McCain sang to the tune of the Beach Boy’s “Barbara Ann” “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran?” What if nobody could kill anybody? We would solve our problems with one another.

Marriage is meant to teach us this vital lesson. This is why easy divorce is such a tragedy, although I don’t favor laws against it. But I do favor people getting their lives so entwined in a hurry that separating them would be a major headache. Then divorce would only happen if the pain of staying married would outweigh the pain of messing up your financial, business, relationship, etc. life.

I’ve never seen a marriage where people keep separate bank accounts after a year or so last very long. (With a caveat or two about one person having great credit and the other terrible credit and deciding to keep things separate so that things can be done credit-wise for the family.) Never. If a couple has separate credit, separate accounts, and separate lives, leaving is easy and problems don’t get solved.

If nobody can leave, at least not easily, problems tend to get worked on. The old days of having to go through a trial before a divorce was granted were not all bad. I have talked with a few older couples over the years who were denied a divorce in those old days. They have, without exception, said it was the very best thing that happened in their marriage. They couldn’t get out, so they worked on it. Again, I’m not arguing for the return of these days. But I think we should take a look at our assumptions that divorce should be easy and an absolute right. Besides, look at all the people no-fault divorce put out of work. Adultery detectives, pricey divorce lawyer….ummmm…maybe this isn’t the best example for my argument here….

Really, however, since I do not believe that the government should have anything to do with either marriage or divorce at all, I believe that there must be a different solution…a Spiritual one. The Spiritual solution takes the concept of marriage vows seriously, especially that “till death do us part” section.

The first part of this is to get the idea that anyone can leave out of your head now. Don’t get married until you’re fully sure that this is a lifetime proposition. Nobody gets to leave, except by croaking…and I don't mean that you can murder your spouse, though the temptation might be there from time to time. I’m sure it is with my wife (and what’s that powder she’s putting on my almond butter toast?).

Sit down and talk about this with your spouse. If you’re not married yet, don’t get married until this is agreed upon. And this means that you don’t get to do those ridiculous pre-nuptial agreements. These are open invitations to divorce. Look, a pre-nup is planning for the divorce before you’ve even gotten married. I don’t care what your attorney tells you, don’t get married if you have to plan for divorce. Keep on “living in sin” (although I don’t believe it is “sin” to love and have sex with someone without marrying them — this is just one more lie from the Church to control people’s lives). If either of you feel that you need a pre-nup or that you aren’t sure the marriage is going to last, don’t get married. If you’re married and you can’t come to an agreement that no one gets to leave, get to a marriage counselor who believes that the happiness of the couple is more important than whatever illusory individual “happiness’ people feel they’ll have when divorced at once.

The second part of this is to prohibit the use of the “D” word in any arguments or discussions. Make it like nuclear war (by the way soon-to-be Mr. EX-President…it is New-clee-err, not Nuke-ewe-lar…dummy…). It is an option that is too drastic and destructive even to think about, unless you’re willing to destroy the whole world for yourself and your children.

Then, intertwine your lives so much that it really would be disaster for either one to leave. The solution to a “bad” marriage isn’t divorce. It is working out the problems with a qualified marriage counselor or other trusted professional…and not lawyers! Putting yourself in the hands of a marriage counselor is never easy. But, if the alternative is a complete destruction of your way of life, it will be a much easier option to consider. The problem with many couples today is that they aren’t…couples, that is. They are married singles. I know of “couples” who keep their CD collections separate, as well as bank accounts and so on. I know that they’re going to end up in divorce court. While Nicole and I, because we’re of two different generations, know who, for example “Three Dog Night” belongs to (moi), we don’t have a clue who originally had our classical collection, show tune collection, jazz, etc. I still don’t understand how she can listen to Hip Hop, but, oh well…I’m sure she doesn’t get Bob Dylan, either (and why must everybody get stoned?).

Then solve your problems. Everyone has ‘em, and yours are no different. After doing marriage and pre-marital counseling for over 25 years, I had heard almost every single story within the first 4 of them. The rest is just a different couple, different day. Most marital problems come down to plain selfishness on the part of one person or both. Marriage is meant to teach us to love one another like we love ourselves, and to be a zealous for the success and happiness of our spouse as we are for our own…or more so.

After you understand that nobody can leave and that problems must be worked out, you might actually be on the way to a modicum of maturity and selflessness. This is the lesson of marriage. And it is what it was created for.

Love one another.

J.